Everyone can fall down…

And everyone can get up again… We can rise like Fenix or we can sink down like Titanic… But…

It’s up to US… The one and only ME, MY choice, ME…

My childhood was difficult… And I was growing up without any support, without any understanding, I felt alone… It was hard…

But, it’s okey now, I get it… I can understand why this happened to me… Yes, I have my traumas, yes, I was hurt, yes, I wished that I could end this life, I bagged at some point to end my life… The pain was enormous… But if I healed, so can you…

I’m not writing this so you can be empathic towards me, be proud of me, I just want to let you know, that no matter how your childhood looked, how you were raised, you can still make a difference in your life, no matter what age you are now… And you can make difference for your children too, no matter how old are they…

I start my growing, changing, process when I had my first child… My red flag was when I yelled at him when he accidently spilled juice… And since that day he was scared when he spilled something or make something wrong or had some kind of accident… And I saw those scared eyes and I said to myself – Eva, you need do to something, you need to change something within you… And yes, that was my childhood wound that I didn’t even knew and I headed… And things changed with my kid too, he wasn’t afraid anymore…

A lot of things in my life was hard for me, I never fit in at school, have a lot of friends, I had and still have some trust issues, not letting people close (but I’m fixing it). I just feel I can’t be who I am, ‘cause I’m weird and that no one will get that or I will be too strange for other people…

And one of the reasons I continue my journey was that I saw in my oldest kid also the same problem – how to be himself… Different from my growing up, I always support him, nothing was ever too strange for me and I always encourage him to talk about his ideas… But still, I see how other people react, I’m glad that he doesn’t notice or doesn’t want to notice, but I want for him to keep that different thinking (I would say strange in a good way).

This are lessons that my kids gave me and I’m so grateful for that, especially for little one, ‘cause he really doesn’t care what other people think, do, care about him or his behaver. He is free spirit child, most people would say difficult, he doesn’t fallow the rules… He is laud when he doesn’t agree with something, he is strongminded (most would say stubborn), he is a child that all children should be. If you ever read book from Osho about kids – little one is that kid…

What I wanted to say, that being a mom made me a better person, a better version of myself… I strongly believed that having children doesn’t have to be such a “hard work” as most people say, ‘cause that’s NOT WORK. And that being a mom can be joyful experience, filled with love, compaction, understanding, learning and be a great role model for kids… About learning – learning from them… If you look at the child as a person with own thoughts, own feelings, like he/she is his/her own person and not as extended version of yourself you can have a great life looking at your child how to grow in an awesome version of himself… Yes, some things can be inherited, yes, we pick things frow the outside (kids do the same) and yes, we all have our lessons to overcome but we don’t need to make things harder than they are – also, everything can be fixed, healed, overcome, changed… It’s a lot that our children see our attitude toward problems or challenges and whit that we can do a huge difference in his/her mindset…

But still, me believing that things can change, that raising up children can be different that I saw and feel, that can be more beautiful and fulfilling, I still got burned down… I still fall, still burned, crashed, whatever you wanted to called it… I was like a plane – high in the sky and the deep in the ground… But everything happens with a reason. If it was too easy, I wouldn’t be here now, writing this to you, trying to give you support, tools and hope that everything will be okey. We got this…

I fall into depression, not even noticing, not even knowing… I thought that this kind of things was normal – mood swing (hormones), being tired, sad, crying most of the times, thinking that I’m a failure as a mom, that I just screw it all, being angry at my husband, ‘cause my life change in so many ways and my body also and for him – nothing was knew – only one little person more, feeling that my husband expect too much of me (taking care of house, cooking, having time for him – us, being intimate, just doing all things by myself). But it was me and my expatiations, he was just really good mirror for me, being great at his job making my wishes (not knowing I created them) come true.

Oh, and the feeling of overwhelm – I was like: “I’m fine, I can do this by myself.” “I can do it.” And if anyone offered a help, I was first of all offended, hurt, I felt like a failure… Oh yeah, I’m stubborn… I also totally forgot about me, that story you already know, if you don’t look at previous post…

They say this are more baby blues symptoms but they should end in week or two and also is usual for the time after birth but with me it was a bit postpone at least after my second birth. I think that no matter what the sings are – how strong or how little – if you feel just a bit overwhelm, angry, frustrated, not feeling yourself, not enjoin yourself in your new lifetime as a mom, that is a red flag… ‘Cause the symptoms can only grow…

So, then I stepped into real postpartum depression – it was a difficult to bond with a baby for me, I distance myself from almost everyone, I was eating too much at the end of the day, I was hopeless, I felt worthless, I felt shame and guilt, I was restless, had panic and anxiety attacks, I was all over the place… And nobody noticed… Noone…

I thought that postpartum depression looks like I saw in the movies or read on internet about a mom who killed or nearly killed a child ‘cause she was rocking him too much or shaking him… Or when you see a mother who just turn away from the baby, not wanting to see him or lay in the bad all day long crying, not feeling okey, etc… Now calling it Postpartum psychosis…

That’s why I never noticed my signs and also me always saying I’m fine… I will be better…

I had a really hard time getting back to work, I had a really hard time to get back interact with people… But some day it became better and it became easier and I thought I’m out of the worst time… But… That thought about ending my life, it was still there… Having a second child and giving birth to him was scary for me… Also, I had an announced C-section, ‘cause the placenta was through the cervix and the baby was in a horizontal position and I thought I won’t make it. They got me to sleep during the C-section and I lost a lot of blood, so I was weak after c-section also having difficult time to be awake and had a problem with not having enough oxygen in my blood. But somehow, I fought, I fought for them.

Having a birth, no matter who said what and how prepared are you or even how great all was and how “easy” it was… It’s a lot to take in as a woman, it’s an awesome thing that we can do – we literally push/squeeze a person out of us or it’s taken away from our belly – but yeah this is an amazing thing that we can do and just for doing that we are AMAZING, GREAT, AWSOME and so STRONG. (I’m sorry for all the woman who can’t gave a birth – but you know what if you feel the urge to be a mom they are a lot of kids in this world who need the touch of women who can’t be a mother in natural why but still can be a mother to that child who also need love and someone to guide him in this world – never forget that – that job is even more important that giving a birth – gave a person who lost his biological parents or he was rejected from them love and place to be, support and safety net to grow up, to rise – it’s a lot. It’s everything… Never underestimate these things… That is so important and awesome too…).

So, I’ve started to do less… I was too tired to clean our house or too angry, ‘cause I was always on my own and doing everything by myself… Everything was so hard for me – getting up, going to work, cooking… I just couldn’t get back on track and then also c.v.d hit me and after that was everything too much for me – I think I also wrote about it already… I quit my job in the of the 2021, but I got another job and also that was too much for me, so I quit that job too. It was kinda scary ‘cause that was a bit safety net but I felt that if I won’t listen to myself and to my body to really take time to get better I never won’t get well again. In that year I also got help for my weight loss, for my mental health and health for my soul – personal trainer, diet coach, psychiatric help… All mind, soul and body healing… I’ve also do myself a lot of work and I will let you know what helped me the most…  

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18
Aug 2022

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16. 08. 2022

Hello this is me…

My name is Eva, I'm a mom of two boys… One is 7 and the youngest is 2… They are totally different by character and not even looking the same… I love them to the moon and back and beyond… I would...