Hello this is me…

My name is Eva, I’m a mom of two boys… One is 7 and the youngest is 2… They are totally different by character and not even looking the same… I love them to the moon and back and beyond… I would do anything for them.

I was so afraid of becoming a mother, taking care for little person. My fear came from my childhood, ‘cause I was raised up by a single mother… Not knowing how much of her burden I’ve taken on me and carried it through all these years… I know that this wasn’t what she meant to put on me, that she handled the only way she knew… And I forgave her for that…

So, the way I was raised wasn’t the way my kids would be raised… So, I said to myself “It has to be a better way, I feel it can be an easier way.” ‘Cause through all my life I was listening to the things like – “Being a mother is hard… Your life stopes… You can’t change anything when you are a mother… You need to get a job and I wasn’t able to finished school… I had to work hard and had to take care of you… I haven’t had any help…” And so on… The truth was a bit different but that what people do – we make excuses, we start blaming other people, other things, we are trying to lower our quilt that we feel inside… We are making these excuses for ourself not for others, ‘cause other people don’t care – we care, we want to lose this feeling of not being able to change our life for the better…

After all this – I will do better, I will be better… I hit the rock bottom when I had my first baby boy… Yes, through the pregnancy a was a bit scared (but that is a story for some other day) but giving birth it was kinda nice and beautiful also scary at times but I just knew that the baby must come out so I pushed and pushed and there he was… My little boy… It was a great feeling that I pushed out of me a little person, I was so proud of me, happy, emotional, feeling loved, you just can’t describe this feeling it’s so out of this world… And then – that power, that proud, that amazing feeling was takin’ from me – ‘cause the nurses on the floor wasn’t nice and I felt a bit lost, what should I do and also my mum with – “Oh, you are so lucky, that was easy, you had such a light birth…”

Oh, really… There are no such things as a light and easy birth – no matter if your birth took 14 hours or 5 hours, you pushed a little human from your body and for every woman that IS a BIG DEAL, ‘cause we are different and we differently react to situations and our body handles situations differently and no matter how many times you hear – women are taking birth till the start of the world and they gave birth at home or even on the field – yeah, but we leave in other era and we are changing and the world is changing – JUST BE PROUD OF YOURSELF, ‘cause you did an awesome job – YOU GIVE A LIFE!

Okey, me back to the hitting rock bottom – I did too much of everything after the birth and I know that in some countries you don’t have a Maternity leave (we have it here in Slovenia for a whole year) and I feel sorry for that and it’s not fare (that is my opinion, yours can be different) but yeah I think all mothers should have a time to get better, to get to know the child and herself – ‘cause mothers change too, to get her life back on the tracks, ‘cause having a kid can be overwhelm, exhausting, totally changing life experience and you need time for yourself to get this chaos in line… Yeah, it can be pretty chaotic and that’s a truth… If you think it’s not, well you got yourself really prepared and be proud of that…

And again, rock bottom – I was like – I will do everything alone, just me… Cook, clean, taking care of baby – everything… ‘Cause, yeah, I had an easy birth, I can do everything by myself… I don’t need help – but deep inside me I wanted the help, I crave for attention, I crave for someone to be proud of me, I crave for someone to noticed me, to noticed how good I’m at this… But being a mother is all about the baby, everyone wanted to see him, everyone just ask question about him and I was so damn lucky ‘cause my child slept a lot and being that perfect baby that you read in pregnancy or motherhood books…

Oh, and I never know how difficult it would be to connect with mothers… I had this vision about me going for a walk with other mothers and our babies, having fun, talking… Yeah, never got that far… I just opened social media and wrote something about how to help a child and OMG – this is wrong, you can’t use this, OMG you are a mother, you didn’t just say this – I know you get it, in every worldwide mom group there is always admin watching or you need approval of admin to even send a comment… Once in my group that I use to have I just let the moms to write those feelings out and then I tried to explain it but yeah that totally backfired… I think that in this world right now we forgot how to be nice to each other and for some moms the ego grows so beyond themselves when they have a child that they forget how lucky they are – ‘cause some moms are totally lost and overwhelm and tired and thinking I’m so bad at this…

And there I was – not handling things the way I thought I would. Totally forgot to take care of myself, got so tired that one night I almost fall asleep for good… I swear I was fainting and I said to myself – no please, what about the baby, he needs me… And even after that I wasn’t any easier on me… I started to gain weight and losing all of the self esteem that I had and I just grounded myself… Being at home, taking care of the baby, cooking, cleaning, went for a walk but never alone, even going to the store was always with someone… Never knew that this are the signs of depression… And then one day when I saw a picture of myself holding my kid, I thought to myself this is me – I’m so overweight and it hit me – I need to change something… So, I started to exercise every morning and also got myself some selfcare books…

After having a kid number 2, the story went a bit different but I wanted to do so many things at once and so many things. starting a business, getting myself in better shape, become a better version, trying to overcome all the things that hold me back, my traumas, family traumas, change our family lifestyle – I don’t know what else – EVERYTHING – and it fired down… Also want to do a lot for new moms, not getting in situation that I was, after my firstborn, to empower then, to let them know that they are important and that is important to take care of yourself… But there I was taking care of myself – and noticing all the things I don’t like in my life and I hit bottom number 2. This time depression came later, after one year, when I was already at work, maybe in some way, ‘cause I was thinking I did so much in this year and I have nothing to show. Also, I was missing my kids as hell and with the oldest in first grade and the youngest who should be going in the kindergarten and after a year of crazy c.v.d things, it was a really crazy time for me… And also, I changed a lot, I was a feed up with my boss and my husband, I was feed up with me, ‘cause I wanted so much of me and well I got sick with c.o.v… right at the time my kids should me going to school and kindergarten and it hit me hard – I was in life and dead situation for two days – just thinking to myself – I need to breathe… And I was left all alone, just me in whole house, thinking should I call in the ambulance or not, call someone to drive me to ER, maybe foolish of me but I was thinking if I go to the ER, I won’t get out of there alive, so I breathe, so I was searching for my will to live, to be alive and I came out on the other end… But the damage was made… Being tired, not feeling okey, not having energy… I had a pneumonia after that so I was at home for a moth and a half… And after that I just couldn’t pick myself up and got in the shape… So, after a lot of medical exams my doctor just gave a referral to a losing weight medical group… And here I am…

So welcome to my page… Here you won’t see what things babies need, well maybe it will be some, ‘cause some things can really help moms but it will be mostly about moms, how to take care of yourself, how to love yourself, what tools you can use, what helped me, what could help you, that you have alliance here, that you are not alone…

I want to share my story with you, ‘cause I think it could help people to understand that it’s not all rainbows and sunshine but I can became all sunshine and rainbows for everyone… <3 And if you want to share your story too, you are welcome to share it here… I want to grow a community of like-minded women or maybe with some different opinions but with a great hearth…                      

And, also, I’m a bit odd and I like it… I believe in a spiritual things, believe that our energy is important and also in archangels, God, all the magical things, in miracles, ghosts, witchcraft, nothing is to crazy for me… I love to watch cartoons with kids and yes I believe in spices, everything nice and chemical x… I’m a Powerpuff girl… An a Unicorn Mum…

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16
Aug 2022

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